I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
