Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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