Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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