My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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