Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
