Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
