So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
