my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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