She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
