just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
