When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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