Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
