the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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