I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i was born a porn star she said
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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