I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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