yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
