i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
