and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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