I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
