I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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