is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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