Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
