would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
