3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
