happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
