The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
