What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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