During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Drunk is not a location!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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