Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
