I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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