You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
