what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize