John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
