you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
