can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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