I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
