you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
