i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
