We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
