i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
