I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
