Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Mom said you looked used
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
