so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
