i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
