I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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