yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
