I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
