yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
