take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
