shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
