I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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