you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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