You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
