Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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