Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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