She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i dont even know how to be here
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
