i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
