I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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