I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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