Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
