Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
