ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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